House or Home

I’ve sat for years in this prison of a house that I wanted to be a home. I projected my ideals on it, wore rose colored glasses, and faked it for so many years now. It started with the right intentions. Learning, growing, gaining accountability. But that soon turned to complacency, familiarity, fear, and the inability to turn it around. Leaving me with such a crazy amount of self doubt and depression, keeping me stuck. Falling into the circle of then clinging to more hope and fake behavior, and more self doubt and depression.

Learning to open my eyes it the hardest experience in my life. Admitting such a huge part of my life is a sham, and my hopes have been so misplaced is the hardest step to take to move forward. Writing it here to tell the world the truth is my next step in the process. Admitting the places I was missing standards in my life made me feel like an imposter. How could I be good at my job if I was not able to tell the truth to myself about my own life? How can I not be a complete failure if I give up on this? How could I be truly worth anything if I’ve felt so low I wanted to die? How did I become my own real life elephant in the shackles?

Only time will tell what will happen, but I will say this, I AM SO THANKFUL that this last year was spent putting my beliefs back in order, believing in self. Pulling myself out of those darkest places and building back with a different base. To a point that I can finally write this. To a point I am finally not afraid of change. To a point that I know I am amazing at my job and I’m done giving up on myself because someone else doesn’t believe. To get off of that place where someone else has any say in my self worth. Shit’s about to get real, because I finally have my eyes wide tf open.